I have dreamt about our child in a recurring dream for years. In it, my hands are outstretched toward their plump, little, dimpled hands. A deep blue sky is behind us as we first float toward each other, then past each other, just missing the connection. I wake up feeling that my love for them is so intrinsically real. Through the years I have prayed for their safe arrival, and that they will know how to find us, that divine timing will have its way. It may sound a little nutty, but I’ve felt their spirit around us for years.
Can one love a child that is not yet here? Absolutely. One can love a child that is not yet here, just like one can grieve a child that never came to being.
“We have wanted a baby for so long we truly already love them.” That is the last sentence in our adoption profile, our “brochure” if you will, of the story of us. At this very moment our profile is on its way to birth mothers across the country. So in this month of LOVE I feel called to write a letter to our sweet nugget who may have already been conceived.
Dear Sweet Miraculous Baby,
Ahhh…. I don’t know if you are a boy or a girl, or what you will look like, or be like, but I do know I already love you! Every time I think about meeting you my stomach drops with excitement and my body fills with joy.
The story of our family started almost 20 years ago when Daddy and I got cast in a play together. I had just graduated college while he was already working as a professional actor. He was very handsome and very talented. When we met, we instantly had a deep connection, one that you can’t explain, almost like electricity. It would grow into a constant, evolving love. After the show closed, Daddy asked me on a date to see a movie. He took me to see Citizen Kane, one of the greatest films ever made. I said yes, and watching that movie started another love affair for me…filmmaking.
Not too much later, a romantic, Chicago blizzard struck, forcing us to stay inside for days. When we could finally venture out through the sparkling snow covered streets, it was as if we were skiing in our shoes. We bundled up and took a walk. Talking and laughing like we were the only two people in the city. The quietness after a snowfall is one of my favorite things in the world. The only thing we heard was the sound of each other’s voices and our feet crunching through the snow on our way to a cozy restaurant where we talked for hours. I had big plans! I shared with your daddy my dreams of moving to LA!
A visit to Los Angeles was already in the works. I would take meetings with agents and see my best friend from college and even squeeze in a road trip to Vegas. (Just so you know I was always SUPER fun!) Off I went on my exploratory L.A. adventure! All was going as planned and then in an instant my plans changed. (Is it too early to teach you that that happens a lot?) Next thing I knew I was in an ambulance asking if I was paralyzed. The paramedic treating me responded, “You are watching way too much ER”. (By the way, ER was a very popular TV Show that Daddy and I both got to be on.)
I don’t remember this next part, but apparently I got out of the car and walked to the curb where two women held me. I was indeed NOT paralyzed. I did get hurt though. My pelvis was broken in 3 places. As soon as I arrived at the hospital, I asked the nurse to call my then boyfriend, now husband. (And soon to be your Daddy.) I was on a lot of medicine for the pain, but this man who I officially started dating less then a month prior, was the first one by my side. He immediately flew from Chicago to L.A., even before my parents where able to get there. This is an important part of our story. There are certain times one quickly learns who someone truly is. This was one of those times. Always take note when people show you who they truly are.
My life had stopped in its tracks. It felt as though the protective layer I needed to live in the world was gone. Everything seemed to come blasting at me like a fire hose. Daddy even saw me cry. I wanted him to see and think of me as the same strong ambitious woman I saw in myself. I have never felt so helpless. But he stayed by my side until my parents (your Grandparents) were able to get there.
Once I got back to Chicago, Daddy visited me at my parent’s house every night after the play he was doing and we began to truly fall in love. For fun, he would take me on wheel chair adventures. He brought me roses and we celebrated our first Valentines Day. He gave me the soundtrack to a movie called Boogie Nights. (You can’t watch that till your much older.) Our song became, “I Believe In Miracles” because that is how it all felt; the miracle of coming into each other’s lives, the miracle of healing. It was one miracle after another.
Love is very good for healing. After I got better, Daddy and I moved to L.A.
Five years after that on, January 13th, the anniversary of the day I was in the car accident, Daddy proposed to me. In doing so, he made that day, not only the day I lived (it all could have been much worse) but also, the day I said, YES to spending the rest of our lives together! One year after that, we went back to Illinois for our wedding.
We walked into our wedding reception to our song, “I Believe In Miracles”.
We built a full life following our dreams, rich with friends, family, and lots of love. But we knew something was missing. We desperately wanted to share our ever-expanding love. So, we tried to have you, for many years, in many different ways. Sometimes we thought we might never find you. It wasn’t easy, but we kept going no matter what. We believed in the miracle of you coming into being, and we were committed to finding you.
This past year it became clear that YOU were going to find US. And that it was going to be through a path that many have traveled in my family: adoption. It was a path we hadn’t tried yet. A path that sometimes scared us. A path where you would come into this world through a woman who is called your Birth Mother and would live nine beautiful, miraculous, loving months (almost ten) in her tummy. Oh my goodness you may already be there as I write this! There’s that exhilarating feeling again. I want you to know this; you will find your way to the parents that were always meant for you. Your birth mother will know in her heart. We will know in our hearts. But most importantly YOU will know in yours. You are guiding all of us, sweet one.
I can’t wait till my arms ache from rocking you for hours on end. I welcome the sleepless nights like a tall glass of water at the end of a long journey through the desert. I know Daddy can’t wait either. He is going to be so good at being your Daddy, and he can’t wait to take you on his awesome adventures. YOU are going to love them and him so much! We have been getting ready for you for the past 8 years. We prayed, begged, and loved each other through it; and along the way we have always believed in miracles.
When I put you on my chest and you hear my heart beat and we hear yours, you will know you are home, I promise you.
We already love you indeed, little one.
Love your Mommy forever