My journey with love has been vast, tumultuous, painful and healing in this life. I could write a hundred BLOGs on the subject. A chapter for each phase of growth and learning that love has gifted me with.
But I am choosing to write from today. From the most vulnerable place within me. For you. For me. For love..From the current lesson I find myself in, here at my growing edge of my relationship with love.
A year and a half ago, after years of struggle, self-sacrifice and attempts to work on the marriage, my then husband and I decided to give up the fight and get divorced. That journey is a BLOG in itself, but not today. What’s amazing to note is that an intentional vision that I brought to the divorce; a life-long relationship between me and my ex dedicated to creating a family continuum for our kids, has come to fruition ~ tons of learning in that process. We spend holidays together, we have spontaneous family dinners and for the most part, we have achieved keeping the love in our ongoing modern family and have healed from much of the pain. Like I said, a BLOG post unto itself.
As my marriage was ending, having always been in relationships with women up until I met my husband, my anger and frustration at the difficulty of being with a man, propelled me to put on my running shoes and sprint back to the “girl team”.
The Universe had another plan for me. The Universe/Love decided to plop a man right into my life at the time I least expected or wanted it. They sent “B” from the stars (I’m calling him B). There before me, stood a man who embodied all of the amazing qualities a man could have according to what I read in David Dieda books. I thought men like this only existed on paper. To describe B I use words like; Present, strong but deeply loving, kind, tender-hearted, a leader who leads from a great capacity to listen and see people, to meet them. He is a holder of space, sacred space that is cultivated from his True relationship with what he calls the Great Mystery. He captured my wonder and attention and then he captured my heart. I am so blessed to have been loved in the way I have been loved by this man. For the first time in my life, I truly opened my heart and surrendered. Our Union brought deep healing and learning. My soul had been yearning for more depth in love and as I was met in that depth, what emerged was pain. Deep, old, ancient pain. See, that ‘s what love does. Love illuminates all things unlike itself. Love’s gift is to bring us to all the places that need healing so that we can heal, grow and in the process become a bigger vessel for love. I have been on a path of healing ever since I had cancer at age 21. I made a decision at that time to do the work I needed to do to become whole. Two and a half decades later, I am still on that path. And this gift of love that the Divine delivered to me and B became the vessel of depths of healing that my soul had been yearning for that I couldn’t have gotten to on my own. It took love. It took intimacy. It took care. It took safety. When the pain came, I turned toward it. I welcomed it. When my body would shake in the depths of our extraordinary love-making, I would let it happen, knowing that this pain was ancient residue of my childhood of sexual abuse that had been locked in my body and needed to come out. I was so blessed to have B by my side, holding space, welcoming it too, just loving me as I let the ancient pain out.
I have never in my life been so moved to love someone. To actually feel love, bigger than me, moving through me, using me as a vessel to bring itself into the world, to bring itself to B. A month after we first connected, B was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Never once did I think “oh, maybe I shouldn’t give my heart to this person… death is knocking at his door. You could get really hurt here”. Not once. I stepped toward him and had the great blessing of witnessing this extraordinary human face cancer with surrender and Grace. He has been in remission for a year now.
B’s ancient habit has been to run. To get OUT in the face of what looked like pain or loss or threat. As our journey unfolded, love continued to do what love does – illuminate all things unlike itself and B’s old trauma began to nip at this heels. As he wrestled with his demons, there were a number of times where he was OUT. Times where he blamed his pain and discomfort on our relationship, on the geographic distance we had to navigate (we live in different states). When he would hit these leaving points, it would trigger all of my greatest fears. I feared I would get swallowed up by the pain of loosing him. My fear convinced me my safety lie in him, in us being together. Having never opened my heart like this, surrendered like this, never saw anyone as my soul mate, my lifetime partner like with him, I had all my skin in the game. It was so vulnerable. At one point, the pain was so great I didn’t want to be here anymore. Like really truly, wanted to check out. Thank god I needed to make dinner for my kids that night. That kept me around. I wasn’t going to let them go hungry.
But through it all, though I wasn’t always graceful, though I thrashed around in my own fear plenty, I continued to choose love. I just chose love. And I chose to open and face into the depths of pain that revealed itself to me, embracing it all as love’s gift to me. I was willing to take ownership and heal. And I have. I have healed so much.
It’s been months now on a rollercoaster of B fighting his demons and me facing my own and again and again, we have managed to break through many break downs and find love again. And again.
Very recently, in his demon- fighting, B requested we take space. For the first time, instead of fighting against him, trying to advocate for his healing and or love, I really listened and heard that he needed this. Granting his request is so hard. There are no words. To release the love of your life to find their way… not for the faint of heart.
All I know to do is to step into my life. Here I find that I am trustworthy. That I show up for myself in love. That I am my own safety. That my heart is good. That I’ve got myself and that life and Divinity have me. Love has taught me this.
I pray that B find the healing his soul so desperately needs. That he will embrace the opportunity to heal that love has delivered to him. I pray that he find peace and happiness. I pray that love will win over fear. I pray if it is Divinity’s will that he will find his way back to me and to our love.
I the mean time, I am standing on the shore called love. I know that I was able to have the gift of this incredible love in my life and all the Grace it has brought to me not because B gave it to me, but because I chose LOVE. I was willing to risk and open to love, to surrender, to TRUST rather than let all the evidence of my history convince me that was too dangerous a thing to do.
I am heartbroken, but I am allowing the waves of grief to wash through me and I know I will be ok. Damn, it hurts. I am so grateful for the gift of this epic love that Divinity brought into my life. I am so grateful to have had the courage to open and surrender and allow love to heal me. It is so shattering to watch the deep dark currents of pain wash my Beloved away but I know it is not about me and I know his willingness to face his pain rather than let it drag him under is his journey to go on.
I am forever changed by knowing him and experiencing this epic love. I will grieve. I will continue choosing love. I will not allow this loss to harden my heart. I will feel it, grieve it and let it carve out an even greater place in my heart for love. I will keep learning. I am grateful for the teacher that is love.