There is a saying that March, “Comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb”. I know the saying is talking about the weather, but for me, this March, it better be true for all things. Right now, I’m in the lion part, and I’m really praying that there is a lamb at the end of the tunnel. Here’s the thing, I’m usually a positive person. I don’t let the small stuff crush me. I get knocked down and I get right back up and keep going. Marching forward is my way of being. I have a vision for my life that pulls me forward and despite the setbacks I trust that in every situation, everything is working for my highest good and the good of all concerned. My very smart spiritual counselor taught me that mantra and I’ve found it to be a great tool for survival. Feel free to use it. She probably wouldn’t mind. Anyway, March! I began March with a gallop: my new TV show was premiering! There was great buzz, there were cool promos, there was a freakin’ billboard on Sunset Blvd! This was dream come true stuff for me. I was feeling good. Then, a day before the reviews come out, I tell myself, “I won’t read them. I don’t care what critics think, I love this show! The cast and crew love this show! That’s all that matters!” But then… I can’t help myself. The day comes and of course I read them all. Some are bad and plain old mean. Some are mediocre and have good points. A lot are good. I should focus on the good, right? Nope. I don’t. I let the bad ones shake me. I start to spiral. At this point I mostly feel terrible for my lead actress who is brilliant in the show, whether people like it or not, and who they are marketing the crap out of. Her name is everywhere and suddenly I’m paranoid that I’ve ruined her career. Okay, so breathe, right? She’s gorgeous and young and crazy talented. She’ll be fine. Just breathe and focus on the good and trust that the right people will tune in and love this show. The audience is there. I know it. Premiere night comes. We are trending on Twitter! We’re back! All good. Cut to: it’s the morning after the premiere and the ratings are in. I tell myself, “I won’t look! Night-of-numbers don’t mean anything anymore anyway. It’s all about DVR and online and we won’t know about those things for days, even weeks. I mean, who watches live TV, right?” Whelp. I look. Night of performance was not great and I start to spiral again. Now I feel bad for my husband and my 15-month-old son. They have sacrificed so much for me this year so I could bring this show to life; so I could support us for years to come, I hoped, and was it all for nothing? Are we destined to end this journey before we even get started? And then about 20 minutes into that spiral, my husband gets the flu. It hits him like a truck. He hands me a screaming baby and goes to bed for 4 days. On the 5th day, when he’s feeling better, our son gets the flu. Husband crushes it for a day and then relapses. We have to go to urgent care. His flu has turned into bronchitis and I begin to feel a tickle in my throat. March is roaring! When we get home, the baby’s fever has spiked again. Now, I’m not only freaking out about my chosen profession and basically my entire future as a writer, but I’m also playing nursemaid and actual maid and throwing a baby into bathwater and cursing the fact that even with every witchy potion available to us, this thing took us all down! Then after everyone is asleep, I remember I’m supposed to write this blog post. First, I consider telling Nikki and Jen that I have failed as the badass woman who’s “doing it all” that they have chosen to feature, because yes, I am doing it all, but no, it doesn’t feel so badass at the moment. It feels exhausting and overwhelming and like I’m ready to quit. Even right now, as I’m writing this and my husband is trying to sleep off bronchitis next to me, and I’m pumping to try to get my son a little more immunity, and I’m watching my son’s monitor and praying his fever doesn’t spike again; all I want to do is check out. Then I remember that my second episode airs tomorrow and I’m supposed to be tweeting something about it. And then I tweet. And then I laugh. Perspective is a weird thing, right? One minute I’m wanting to roll over and let the lion eat me for lunch and the next minute I’m tweeting “Tune in tonight…” Huh. This must mean something, right? This must mean despite getting knocked down, I know we are all going to get back up. People are going to find this show, my family will heal, I will heal, and right then I go back to my mantra: everything is working for my highest good and the good of all concerned. I say it until it rings true. Why this week, this way? Maybe it’s all because I needed to be reminded not to sweat the small stuff again. Maybe I needed to be reminded that health is all that matters. Family is all that matters. The journey and all we learn along the way is truly all that matters. And suddenly, I let go and I trust. Just for a moment. Just for right now. Because I know that right now, that’s all I can do. And maybe that’s the gift. Maybe that reminder is how we march forward. Slowly, surely, with trust and a little bit of a lingering cough. But trust in the vision of the lamb, even from inside the lion’s mouth.
Also, please tune in to watch ‘Life Sentence’ Wednesday at 9/8c on the CW. And if you missed it the night-of because of course you did because you are a human being living in 2018 and you have a DVR and a computer, please watch it soon after it airs. Episodes are streaming on the CW App for free. And the show is all about family and hope, so… there’s that. #lifesentence #allthethings