There is so much to say on this topic. I don’t feel I can speak truthfully about where I am today without sharing where my body has been the last few years.
The past 7 years (almost 8), but who’s counting, my body has been on a mission, trying with all it’s might, to conceive. It’s what we as women do without a second thought, right? It’s what our bodies are supposed to do! And even though it was not my main drive in life, I always knew I would conceive. I was strong and healthy. I took cycling classes everyday. I hiked up huge mountains…the Hollywood Hills are mountains to a mid-west girl. I even found my “magic healthy happy weight” – 133.4. My periods came like clockwork. I never suffered horrible cramps; and when my period arrived, I was grateful. My Mom (a health nut and fitness guru) always told me to be grateful because that meant your body was working properly. It was healthy and naturally cleansing itself. So, I was grateful. I was also excited to see how my body would morph into a house of plenty for my baby someday.
In the beginning, it felt like my body just needed a jump-start. In fact, that is exactly what my doctor told me, “Once you conceive, your body will catch on. And the second one will be super easy.” Nothing about this seemed easy, and it got harder and harder to be grateful for “Little Miss Aunt Flow” showing up, uninvited… every month. I felt like a salmon swimming upstream. My period no longer meant I was healthy, it meant I was NOT PREGNANT. It meant my body wasn’t working. My awesome, athletic body that I actually started to really like was turning on me. She was becoming a real pain in the ass, with a mind of her own- not to mention how much time she demanded. Just taking the endless vitamins and herbs took up half the day!
This whole, “not being able to conceive thing” was definitely not my mind’s fault. My MIND was behaving beautifully, doing the exact tasks needed in order to “manifest” my baby. My mind was awesome! It was meditating, chanting mantras, reading all the books. I was doing Olympic Mental Gymnastics every day, every hour, and I was WINNING. I would find the answer. My body would get the message eventually and catch up. But, it did not.
What happened to my strong capable body? I felt tired and weak and I slept…A LOT. I wasn’t me. As the years went on, I started to gain weight. They say hormones do that. It wasn’t just the hormones; it was ALL of it. I decided not to be so hard on my body. Honestly, I didn’t have the energy. I changed how I worked out, and tried not to be so demanding. I decided not to freak out over gaining 5 or 10 pounds. I’ll just ignore it because, oh well. I have enough on my plate. No pun intended. I was trying to get pregnant and once I did I would need that extra weight. I wanted to be an abundant house for my little baby. I wanted them to be able to feed off my cellulite and suck up my extra fat. This was WAY more important then a few pounds. My body would be housing a life! The amount of time I spent being 133.4, I now spent on doing everything in my power to procreate.
So, I decided I would accept this new me. My cause was worthy. As my body softened, so did my mind. The generic endless meditations helped for a time, but they didn’t resonate with me anymore. I wanted something more specific. I went to a hypnotherapist, who also happens to be a dear friend, and she customized my meditations. I told her I wanted to believe in my body again. I don’t know when I lost belief because I was never given a solid reason for why this was so hard, but I did. I started seeing a Mayan Massage Therapist who worked with my body on a level that I had never known was possible. It’s like she had the key to unlock years of physical pain and grief that my body was holding on to for dear life. I spent hours weeping on her massage table. I had good days. I had bad days. To this day, I still don’t understand why it’s been so hard. Some things we may never know and the hardest part is living with that. But I do know, it’s not my body’s fault. I started to think of my body like my best friend, my soul sister. How would I treat my best friend? Someone I deeply love and want the best for. I would tell them that they are beautiful, resilient, strong, and a warrior. I would tell them to take care of their precious body. Something clicked. I wouldn’t let my body be the punching bag any more. I began to feel compassion for my body, for all it had been through. I started to feel protective of my body. My Mama bear came out. I was becoming a Mother, and even though I had no baby to show for it, I knew the journey wasn’t over. I knew there was another chapter, another step. I knew I could let my body heal and finally allow my mind to sync up.
I would also do what I knew I had to do. Stop the medical journey. My body was screaming at me for so long to rescue it. I always thought I could do anything for a few weeks to get our miracle. In fact I proved that I could, but at what expense? When we finally closed the chapter on the medical journey, the feeling at the end of the day that it was MY body that had to conceive, was overwhelming. It was as if a dam broke, and a deluge of water came flooding at me, over me, and around me. But it also felt, undeniably good. I felt free! I wasn’t a machine anymore. My body wasn’t a science experiment with a big question mark hanging over it. I was no longer a slave to the never-ending, ridged mindset, that everything I did affected my fertility. My body was MINE.
Around the same time I lost 25 pounds, rather rapidly. I had a severe tooth infection that went undiagnosed and led to the double whammy of severe TMJ. It was incredibly painful to eat. Overnight I was back to 133.4 Jen. At first, I felt sad. The baby dream is gone. I didn’t want to be my “skinny” version. But, then I realized that the baby dream is not gone. That’s not what that weight represented. It was my sad weight. Not all of it, some was carefree and happy. But most of it was sad and angry. It wasn’t protecting me, nourishing me. It was hanging around. Reminding me I wasn’t pregnant. It was a burden. As it melted away, I began to feel a vitality running through my body again. Even though I lost the weight in a way that was unsettling, it was gone. As the cool kids say, BYEEEE!
I do feel like me again, but a different me. The scared little girl that entered into this grand adventure is gone. I feel fresh, as if I could reset the past 7 years. I know I can’t, and honestly I don’t want to. My relationship with my body has changed. I got to know her in such an intimate way that I would do anything for her. Recently I was talking to a dear friend and she said, “Man your body is a Rock Star!” And I thought, yes, yes she is. She is doing what she was meant to do…heal. She can still be rather stubborn, but she has carried me through some of my hardest times. It has always been the two of us, and it always will be. Through thick and thin, I will love my body forever.
Amy Budden – Hypnotherapist
Jeiran Lashai – Acupuncturist
Jessamy Davidson – Mayan Massage, CCH (Certified Classical Homeopath), CMT
MY BODY BEING A ROCKSTAR