On December the 10th my partner informed me that his three lil’ munchkins would be staying with Grandma for ten days over the winter break. TEN WHOLE DAYS!!
I audibly gasped when he told me this. To me, it was the equivalent of liquid gold.
Allow me to give some backstory: I am a newly inaugurated Bonus-Mom. I’ve been living this wing-parent life for a little over a year now. I love these kids, and I love this new way of living life together, and yet, as you parents already know~ raising kids is no joke. It’s been a whirlwind of steep learning curves, surprising bliss-bombs, and with three kids a lot of moments that feel like the training velociraptors scene in Jurassic Park.
Before moving in with Marco and the kids… I’m not quite sure if this is accurate, but it definitely feels like all I did was eat freedom from dawn to dusk. I have foggy images of frolicking in the forest and writing in cozy cafes…. and feeling ridiculously free.
I dove headfirst into the Bonus-Mom pool. Like most things in life, when I get a YES for something, I don’t question it, I just leap! What I didn’t guesstimate was the difference between traveling the road of single and incredibly free vs. the road of Bonus Mom of 3. It was like moving from a gentle, rolling bike path onto a blazing fast, big-city freeway.
After 15 months of this new way of life, my stamina had gone kaputz. I was getting too snappy, too controlling, and my soul-shine had noticeably dimmed. And, I had started to feel not free. I needed a re-set, a re-fuel and a chance to integrate all that had unfolded.
So, when I imagined ten whole kid-less days, I felt sure that this gift of outer freedom would resurrect a sense of inner freedom.
Adding to all this good, a dear friend invited Marco and I up to NYC for some New Year’s fun… and the fact that we could actually say YES felt downright orgasmic.
I mean, does the Universe love me or what?!?
Ahem. Here’s what happened, instead.
Day One: Grandma decides to come down three days later + Marco starts to get sick.
Day Two: Scrambling to cover the kids out of school while work-schedules get sorted, Marco is now super sick and can barely move while velociraptors roam the house unconfined.
Day Three: Oh, it’s strep throat!
Day Four: No. Nononononononono!!! OK, I’m sick now. No problem, I can wipe this out lickecty split (she says as she grabs all her medicinal herbs, like the free frolicking witch she really is!)
Day Five: Sleeping. And coughing. Lots of geriatric-style coughing. Hmmm, it’s not strep.
Day Six: Walking Pneumonia just eats all the herbs and laughs in my face.
Day Seven: Four days left! Only four days left! We have an early morning flight to NYC, and I don’t know how I’m going to do this.
WASN’T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A REWARD?? A VACATION?? A BREAK?!!
Talk about not feeling free.
Today as I write this, on Day Six, I had my toddler tantrum. Full on. I cried, I got angry. Mostly at God/Universe.
These are some of the (sexy, un-censored) thoughts that blazed through my human-ness:
Why is this happening??! I don’t get it!!
What did I do to draw this in?
I’ve done everything right!!! I’ve prayed, I’ve talked to my body, I’ve given it good things. (while still scanning my consciousness like a hawk for anything out of balance, anything that’s been trying to get my attention.)
What did I do wrong?
Ya see it? Can you see the underlying pattern here? I call it the “good girl for God syndrome,”
It goes something like this: if I do everything “right,” if I pray, if I eat barrels of kale, if I meditate regularly, if I’m kind to others… then I get rewarded, then I receive the love of God/Universe in the form of __________ (10-day vacation, relationship working out, health restoring, money incoming, fill-in-the-blank…)
If life seems to go off-course, then I must be doing something “wrong.”
Do you resonate with this? Every single female client I have ever worked with comes up against this at some point. I don’t know if it’s a Dad-thing, a Mom-thing, or a Judeo-Christian hangover thing, but it’s entirely too common.
There is truth in this, to some degree, when we talk about energetics and frequency, but there is also shame and untruth.
There is that which is life-giving, and that which is total horse-shit.
The skill, the practice, is to discern the difference between the two.
How do we discern? That which is life-giving feels good. It feels expansive, and freeing. That which is horse-shit feels… like shit.
Try these statements on for size and see how they feel:
I am all alone, and must figure out the right path, or else my entire life’s trajectory will get re-routed. (shit).
If I don’t choose the highest path within every moment, then I will not get to do what I am here to do. (total horse shit.)
I can fail. I can get this moment wrong. I can fuck everything up. (baloney!!! and horse shit).
I could do nothing but watch bad Netflix, eat chocolate bon bons, and smoke in bed… and I would still receive the love of Source. The Love of the Universe is unconditional. (expansive).
Some of what happens in life is for reasons beyond our understanding, yes… but I can trust that where I am and what I am moving through is somehow for me and not against me. (expansive).
I cannot fail. Every path is a valuable path. Every door leads to learning and growth. (yummmm.)
Life has my back, unfailingly. “Wrongness” can only touch me if I believe in it. (yessss!)
I am walking through life with a co-creative partner (God/Higher Self). I can lean into my partner to guide me every step of the way. (love this one!)
OK, we’re on a roll! Let’s take it into 2018!
As we enter into this New Year, I’m sure there are many visions dancing in your head. I want to remind you… that you cannot fail!! You cannot get this year “wrong.”
Who you are is alright already.
Who you are is brilliance becoming more manifest here on Earth.
You are on time and on purpose.
You are held and guided every step of the way.
You can make one intention in January, and switch gears in February.
You can not make any intention at all and just allow your Higher Self to lead the way, one step at a time!
You have an entire team that is assisting you in all that you are growing toward and all that you are here to contribute!!
You. Cannot. Fail.
You. Are. Alright. Already.
2018 will have many surprise twists and turns, many blessings and blessons. This will be true for us all. The question for you is… will you back your human with life-giving beliefs that feel freeing, or will you fall under the shadow of false beliefs that shame and constrict?
We leave for NYC tomorrow. I don’t know what these final days of our freedom-fest will look like, but I know that I am, RIGHT NOW AS I WRITE THIS, free-ing myself from those nasty, shaming thoughts. I choose to be FREE NOW, regardless of outer circumstances!
I’m going to celebrate life with my love and my friends. I will drink wine, eat doughy, glutenous things, and walk through snow-filled streets at dusk. I might be coughing my way through it all, but I choose to be free, dammit! I choose to be free. And in this moment, that freedom, the truest kind of freedom, the inward kind… it zings through my body and warms my heart. It expands my love-frequency and tells me I’m on a life-giving path.
THAT is true freedom.
I dare you, invite you, beckon you to say yes to inward freedom in the most radical way conceivable for you. The kind that zings and zips through your being and opens you to all the expansiveness and good feels that are yours for the taking!
My wish for you in 2018 is this. Will you say yes?